*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
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my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
Finally, an explanation.
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
#oldknees
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.