Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
You Might Also Like
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
the three branches of government
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
necessity is the mother of invention
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
Buying a well is money well spent.