HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
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My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”