Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
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Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
I didn’t come here to be called names
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.