One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
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I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over