Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
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My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
2022 be like
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.