I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
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Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me