I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
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[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
Grandmother clock.
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
men, we mow at sunrise.
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
Before crowbars crows drank alone
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.