Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
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Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!