VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
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I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
A French press is when you hug naked
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?