I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
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Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
who will stop them
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.