*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
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Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.