Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
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I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
Brilliant!
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
How about I get 100% off by already being there
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong