[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
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Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die