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[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
Isn’t
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
How can I say no to this ?
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.