Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
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When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
operators are standing by to ignore your call
my fav colour is also hitler
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮