me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
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Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
At least he brought enough for everyone
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.