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daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
Actually cracking up @ this
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
When libraries troll their patrons.
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
What?!?
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week