[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
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so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.