There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
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Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.