Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
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Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
Ummm
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
He a real one for that
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense