I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
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Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys