My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
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My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender