Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
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I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
I can’t deal with men any longer
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
having children is a pyramid scheme.
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
Hamburger Hinderer.
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”