A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
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Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
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In love:
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Uncertain:
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Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
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I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.