Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
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judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
I have never heard an armadillo before.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.