if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
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I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates