It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
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I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
Running your mouth is not cardio.
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.