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HEYYYY MACARENA
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Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
This is true.
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out