Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
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“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
found this cool rock hiking today
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
the red hot silly peppers
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
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