when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
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A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
In banana years, I am bread.
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”