Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
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Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
Worth the read.
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
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