Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
You Might Also Like
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him