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[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
Batman v Dracula
u guys got any snacks onboard here
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
🙅🏻
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”