DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
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It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
i dont have time for this
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
They got Raph!
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?