When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
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Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
No one :
Me when I swimming :
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
welp
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
This kid is going places
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time