My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
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This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
british sex workers really pound for pound
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
asking santa clause for nudes
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house