Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
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Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.