Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
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Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?