The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
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you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
crochet youtube is brutal
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
A tragic love story in two pictures.
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.