True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
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I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX