I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
You Might Also Like
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.