I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
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Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he鈥檚 a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn鈥檛 thinking
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
God: you鈥檙e a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what鈥檚 updog?
Dog: nothing what鈥檚 up with you lol.
God: yep you鈥檙e just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
I believe there鈥檚 at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
wtf is this choreography 馃槶馃槶馃槶
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you鈥檙e 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
I鈥檓 caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!