*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
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I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.