I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
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The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.