My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
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* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?