Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
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the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
Basketball games are very squeaky.
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?