Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
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-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
Don’t make me out nice you.
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
That’s what I call a flat tire