I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
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Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*