Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
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My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers